I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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