i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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