Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??