Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.