I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
