he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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