It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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