He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
