is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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