My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
