Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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