Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
