please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed