There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.