Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home