youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
