i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
