my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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