I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
