I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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