I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.