My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
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Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED