All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Floor bacon is actually really good