Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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