I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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