They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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