I feel great
I just peed on a car
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
