Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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