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get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.