You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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