You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize