I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
