i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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