Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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