I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
