I CAN MOONWALK!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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