I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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