You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
