some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.