Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"