Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.