my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.