im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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