If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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