After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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