i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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