My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
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Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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