if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize