I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
