i wish there were pregnant emoticons
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
