I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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