You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
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I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad