I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
