i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
