Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
