My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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