You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
