I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
